Answering WHY? In July - Reasons Women Stay in Abusive Relationships
If a man ever hits me that will be the last thing he ever does! A man better not ever lay a hand on me if he wants to live too the next day! I dare my husband to even think about putting his hands on me. If he ever hits he’d better sleep with one eye opened. I would put him under the jail house for raising a fist at me! The cops would be hauling his dead carcass away for raising a hand against me! I would never put up with a violent man in my life or around my children. My husband would never hit me cause he knows what would happen. If my boyfriend wants to marry me he better not raise his voice to me let alone his fists. Ain’t no way I’d stay with an abusive man. My brother, my dad, my family would kill him for hitting me.
I am pretty sure that every woman out there has said one or more of those statements. I said most of them, I have heard friends, strangers and family say the same things. In fact at one time in my life I believed that I would never stay with a violent man. I am ashamed to say that earlier on in my life when I heard about women staying in abusive relationships I’d asked myself “WHY does she stay if he hits her?” “Why didn’t she just call the cops?” “Why didn’t she just tell someone?” While I was in a domestic violence shelter I was pouring out my heart and anguish to a cousin and her response was "the Tiffany I know would not let anyone hit her?" And not to long ago I was talking with a friend my ex-husband and I grew up with and his response was "that's not the (insert ex-husband's name) I grew up with and knew." Both my cousin and childhood friend were not wrong, but what they could not comprehend is that the abuse of prescription drugs, failing finances, along with inconceivable sexual desires changed the man I loved and married.
'But what about me? My ex-husband's change has an explanation that is kinda easy to understand. So what about me, what changed me so drastically that the Tiffany everyone knew once upon a time ended up stayed for so long with a cruel, violent, chronically unfaithful and narcissistic man.? I shall try to explain.
Well, it is so easy to say don’t judge someone till you walk a mile in their shoes but it is very hard to put into practice. In fact, I am sick and tired of hearing people scrutinize women for staying with a man who is emotionally abusive or physically violent. It is so very unkind and demeaning to survivors of domestic and family violence. We are treated with disbelief and speculation. It is also why so many women don’t speak up and why they do not leave. So for everyone out there who has thought - WHY? - whether you asked with indifference, condemnation or sympathy - here is my attempt to answer WHY? women stay in abusive relationships. And I am not answering WHY? from the outside looking in - I am answering WHY from the inside looking out, I am answering WHY as a 51 year old woman who stayed for 7 years in an emotional and physically violent marriage. I can answer WHY as a survivor who reported it to the cops, as a survivor who told several medical professionals and confided in friends and family about the Hell I was living in; I told all the above long before I left him and went to a domestic violence shelter. I am answering WHY? from a survivor's point of view with the hope that my answers will help strangers, friends, family, law enforcement, medical professionals, and you who hear or read this “walk a mile in my shoes.”
The victims and survivors of domestic/family violence have their own personal story; timelines; trauma; journey of healing; past to overcome, future to start over and individual tragedies. But what we all have in common are threads that weave together the truths of why we stayed, and why we left after the first hit or didn’t leave till after the last of many. Here are some of those commonly shared truths which answer why women stay in abusive relationships.
She Feels Emotionally Trapped, She Believes it is Her Fault and/or Believes He Will Change- the buzz word being used now is gaslighting but it is more complicated than that. She has been so twisted up inside and out with his words, actions and gifts of forgiveness that her own emotions betray her and she believes that he is sorry and it will not happen again. She blames herself; while repeating in her head “what if I didn’t say or do whatever caused him to hit me?” She asks herself that "doesn’t he deserve another chance to prove he is sorry" and she believes it won’t happen. For months I gave away gifts he gave me, all which served as reminders of the worst violence I endured. All those gifts which proved the apologies were empty and his promises never kept. Abuse is ALWAYS the choice of the abuser. I remember sitting on a bench at a playground with one of my best friends after I had left him and my youngest son and I stayed with her for a few days. My husband showed up with a new wedding ring set, a pair of Coach sunglasses and apologies for what he had done to me and with another woman while on a work trip the every week of our anniversary. I sold the ring on Facebook with the claim I was selling it for a friend and I "lost" the sunglasses in WalMart on purpose. That very friend and him now live together.
She Lacks the Money and Resources to Leave - in some cases it is due to the women not working outside of home, if she does work her paycheck is little, or he controls the credit cards, bank accounts and the flow of money. In my case the money I made went to the bills that had to be paid, we shared all accounts, but there was only one debit card and it was in his name for the last 3 years of our marriage. I did not know the passwords to our accounts and I was never allowed to see our taxes or know how they were filled. I filed taxes on my own this year (2025) for the very first time, it was confusing but liberating. In fact, the first time the emotional abuse escalated to violence happened when I started questioning how he filed our taxes. The day I was taken to the hospital by law enforcement I had $800 in a bookbag hidden in the back of my closet and I was planning to leave him when I had 1,000 saved. Two hundred dollars seems so trivial now. In addition, under oath he admitted to cashing in and spending $90,000 dollars, along with buying a BMW while I was in a wheelchair and the domestic violence shelter. But he could not recall taking my former friend, the woman he was living with a spending spree and vacation to Florida in his new BMW.
She Fears What Her Abuser Will Do If She Leaves- that fear comes in many forms. Sometimes she is in fear of her life and that he will find her or her and the children. Family pets are used to keep her from leaving. The fear of what will or could happen to those furry family members if she leaves and can not take them with her. In other cases it is the threat of telling family, friends and law enforcement that she is “crazy” along with threats of posting pictures and videos. I am very happy to inform my audience that the TAKE IT DOWN ACT passed. I look forward to seeing the prosecution of individuals who use the fear of sharing or releasing pictures and videos to control their intimate partners. Other times it is a threat of how she will never get custody of the children or using the past against her. He uses the fear of losing family connections as a weapon. In order to keep himself from being labeled a wife beater he enlists family members to circle the wagons and call her a liar. It can be the fear of him embarrassing her or causing harm to her reputation, the fear of losing her job by causing problems with the employer. It is the fear of losing family, friends and connections if she is not believed. The fear of not being believed and not having support is a very powerful tool an abuser uses. Fear envelops her entire life and causes her to become frozen in the abuse and threats. Fear of not being believed, fear of losing her children, fear of losing family support; fear becomes the all-power controlling factor to keep her silent. Fear forces her to put on a facade that everything is fine behind closed doors. Just a few weeks ago I was once again threatened with the release of videos and the threat of being labeled crazy. Fear in one form or another is constant but I am no longer frozen in fear.
She is Still in Love With Him - the most powerful reason WHY?. I can not explain what it was like being so in love with a man that I stayed with him for 7 years which were emotionally and physically abusive. I was 16 when we met and 49 when I filed for divorce. I stayed even though he abused me and berated me with no consideration of what it was doing and did to our youngest child. It is not an excuse why I stayed but a reason. I also believed love is the one reason that most of you out there can understand and have felt in your life. Being in love, hearing someone say I LOVE YOU ALWAYS AND FOREVER, I LOVE YOU TO THE MOON AND BACK, and remembering those moments of love and the tender touch of love is universal. Love is what drives almost every human and animal action on Earth. To love someone is to accept their faults and accept their apologies, right? If you really love someone aren’t you supposed to give them chances to make things right and love them through thick and thin, for better or worse? If we are to love like Jesus loves us then aren’t we supposed to forgive those who hurt us? Haven’t we all thought at one time or another that if we LOVE someone or something so much we can overcome any and all forces that work against that love? Love is blind, love is crazy, love is eternal, love is, love is, love is …so many ways to describe love right? We may not be able to truly describe love or even define love but there are certain things that love should never be. Love should never be used as a weapon, love doesn’t come in the form of a fist or words that leave scars unseen. Love does not come in the form of violence or emotional abuse. Love is not suppose to hurt.
If you or anyone you know is in an emotionally or abusive relationship YOU ARE NOT ALONE and TOMORROW NEEDS YOU. For every reason why women stay in abusive relationships there are a million reasons why they should leave. Tiffany's 128 Initiative has free resources, lifelines and organizations to help. Tiffany's 128 Initiative is standing up for those who can not stand just yet on their own. Stay Alert, Stay Informed, Stay Safe and Stay Rooted In Love, Tiffany Elizabeth Tipton
(no AI was used to generate this blog and are the personal experiences and thoughts of the Founder of Tiffany's 128 Initiative. Please see the Add Comment form below to reach out to Tiffany and/or for comments about this blog)
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