(NOT AI generated)
The holidays are a time that people are supposed to come together and share what they are thankful for with friends and family gathered at a table full of food. The truth of reality is that most people do not have that entire Norman Rockwell picturesque moment of joy. For most people the holidays are full of space, not the stars and moon kind of space but the type of space that is full of anguish, loss and grief. That type of sorrow is shadowed in a person’s head space where even its owner does not want to linger very long. For others there is an absent space at the table where someone used to be or should be, maybe because of death, broken promises, estrangement or distance. Their absence is a visual reminder of what the heart is experiencing. Then there is the space that no one mentions, it is felt solely by the individual and is most felt in the evening when you should be ready to dream of beautiful fantastical lands or in the morning when you wake to begin the day with a smile but are instantly reminded what shattered your soul. That space is the space where someone’s warm body used to hold you and tell you how much they loved you, needed you. Maybe that void of space is where you used to tuck someone in or tell them sweet dreams before turning off the lights. When you are in your grief, no-one’s grief can ever be felt with such intensity as your own grief. The space of the holidays often brings a deepening chasm that can easily swallow up a person’s identity and hope, and for those hearts and lives in such turmoil, ask someone to hold space for you. If you know someone who needs to be propped up or held in suspension due to the holidays taking them prisoner in their own pain - hold space for them.
It has been over 2 years since I left the domestic violence shelter and my entire life behind. The past two years came with the space of the holidays like an avalanche destroying and suffocating anything resembling happiness. There were fragile moments of joy but within my headspace there was a battle for me just to breathe. It is impossible for anyone to describe grief and how the brain is processing it. As humans' part of survival is to draw upon resilience, but resilience is a gift most of us were not granted and if we were then it came as a small portion. It does not take much for that little piece of resilience to become used up. I want so much to share what is in that space we call a mind, to let others know how to draw upon the strength to keep moving forward. I do not have any special trick or calculation but only my truth and my story. So, until I am able to vocalize and memorialize words into a formula and like a magician make that despair in your headspace disappear, you will have to believe that you can get out of that sorrow space in your head (even if it is just for a little while at a time).
The space of absence, one which does not require sound but only glances where a familiar face should be. Nothing nor anyone can fill that space except the one that should be there and isn't. I sometimes think the space no longer occupied by choice is more heart-wrenching than the one no longer occupied by death. When death stops for us, it is a different kind of laminating when the holidays come around. Death took the one you loved, needed and wanted and it is death that keeps you from creating more memories. When the space of absence by choice is one you made for that person, or they made for you. The blame is not placed upon the will of a higher being but one of a human. A human who should have empathy, understanding and compassion but chooses to cloak themselves in anger, unforgiveness, self-rightness's, false narratives and love with conditions. Choices have regrets and what-ifs all twisted up in emotions with the truth that they are choosing not to be with you and/or you with them. Divorce and Death are two sides of the same coin of pain and are unique to the one who tosses it. Whether by chance or divine purpose the space of absence is never filled, even if many around you are pouring into you so much love to help drown that grief. Time does not even fill the space of absence there is falsehood that time can heal all wounds and hurt. Not every wound can be mended, and the heart cannot be unbroken. But what we can do is offer ourselves not as a replacement but as a soft place to land.
I find myself at the crosswords of the space of holidays. Every space I have detailed here is still at my feet in the morning when I step out to feel the weather but it does not control my entire day, it still beside me even with the familiar love of my 9 year old cat Wheezy curled up and purring but it does hurt a little less, it is not replaced with the newest family member Cardi B the kitten who shares with the whole household her excitement for all things new to explore but I do not remember it as much when she is around, it is not replaced with the love, hugs, smiles and well wishes of friends of the new and old type but the space of the holidays does not leave such a deadly sting.
I still reach for those to hold space for me, and I reach back for those who reach out to me. Thanksgiving of 2023 there were five individuals who stayed on the phone with me for over four hours. Each would stay with me till I answered the next person's call, one by one keeping me from falling into a despair I would not return from. I did not have the words for what they did then, but I do now, it is called HOLDING SPACE. Each of those God sent friends of mine, stood in the space of my pain. They absorb all my brokenness so that my mind, body, heart and soul might have a fragile moment of peace. They knew, as I did, that they could not heal what happened to my body, they could not offer any explanation to why what happened to me did, they no more could understand my anguish as I did, none of us could even believe what had taken place before, during or afterwards on “that day” in late October of 2023 my life stopped and almost ended. What they did do was to be there, just to hold space for me on this Earth because I could not. What they did do was offer themselves with no restrictions of how much time or energy holding my space would take from them. What they did do was save a person who was suffocating on her own grief
During the Holidays do not feel that even if the heaviness in your life is one that you cannot carry, it is not too heavy for others to carry for you. Do not feel shame or guilt for asking someone to hold space for you and for that you are loved. If you know someone who is just treading the waters of life and is tired of fighting against the waves, hold space for them. And in that space, do not judge, do not give false hope that better days are just around the corner because for most of us needing someone to hold space, we cannot even see beyond the moment we are in, stay with time with no conditions or consequences of your time. You do not have to be religious or a person of faith to hold space for someone but know you are doing the work of a greater power, of a greater love and for that you are loved. And if you do not want to, you do not have to spend the holidays alone, you are never alone in this world. Reach out, someone will reach back.
988 Crisis Lifeline
1-800-799-SAFE National Domestic Violence Hotline
I am Tiffany Elziabeth Tipton - founder of Tiffany’s 128 Initiative which strives to provide advocacy, guidance and justice for victims and survivors of domestic/family and gun violence. The entire podcast can be found at www.tiffanys128initiative.com
Stay Safe, Stay Alert, and most importantly stay rooted in love. Happy Holidays
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